So many times before I've thought I'll start over TOMORROW. Just night I realized it has to start NOW. Tonight. Right here. Right now. Not tomorrow.

I don't know when things got so out of control. Was it when I met someone who I thought was a friend, but instead turned out to be someone I let make me feel ugly and worthless for a very long time? Was it the successful weight losses I've had that made me no longer see food as fuel for my body, but instead things that are either good or bad that should be eaten in specific amounts, and if I didn't follow that then I was doing wrong and would binge until I got disgusted with myself and would start the cycle all over again? Is it that the first caused the second? Is it seeing my mother deteriorate mentally and physically and knowing that despite all that I am trying to do to help, things will only get worse for her, for my father, and for me? Is it feeling my job is not the job that gave me the satisfaction it did when I started, oh so long ago? Is it the not sleeping. Is it a combination of the above?

I was going to name my blog, One Day at a Time, but I realized that a day is too long. I need to look at each hour of the day. Maybe, just maybe, if I look at the time and think, "Just one hour," I will make it through.

I know what I need to do. It's the doing that's the difficult part. Eating right makes me feel better. Exercise makes me feel better. Having some semblance of order instead of not being able to find something right away makes me feel better.